I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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