I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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