the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
