Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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