so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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