WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
