He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think people are normalizing furries
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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