i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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