Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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