So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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