When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
