please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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