Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
