on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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