Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
