Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
