peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
