I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
