I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
