I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
