Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
