i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
