considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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