Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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