This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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