Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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