Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
