Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
