There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
