Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
