I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just had sex on a roof
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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