I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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