I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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