i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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