my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
