She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
