Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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