My underwear smells like fireworks.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize