why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
