he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
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Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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