So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
