she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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