i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
