I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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