Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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