I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
