she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
