I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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