I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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