so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
