Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
