my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
