We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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