I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
