I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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