i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
